


Big Damn Heroes

by strawb



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-04-27
Updated: 2012-08-05
Packaged: 2017-11-04 10:10:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 12,120
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/392671
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/strawb/pseuds/strawb
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A place for Mass Effect drabbles and one-shots. Primarily f!Shepard/Kaidan centred.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Set Me On Fire

> Kmeme prompt: FemShep's LI notices how chummy femShep is with Garrus and asks if there's anything going on there that he/she should be worried about. FemShep (who is not Turiansexual at ALL, or even a little Turiancurious) promptly bursts into peels of laughter. Garrus is her bro and she loves him like a bro, but no. Just no. The very idea of Turian sex cracks her up. She quiets her LI's fears with kisses and/or sexytimes.

 

**Set Me On Fire**

 

The first thing he noticed was that Shepard seemed to laugh more often around Garrus. While Kaidan had a certain appreciation for the turian's dry sense of humour, he also didn't think Shepard laughed like that when she was around him. Or anyone else. Just Garrus. Sure, Kaidan realised he was most likely the only person on the receiving end of t _hat_ sexy smirk…or at least, he hoped so. And there was, of course, that breathless half laugh she gave when he took her by surprise and touched her  _just so_ . (The Commander seemed to appreciate it when he took some initiative with his tongue.)  _And then_ , there was the way she moaned his name as she came, which…really had nothing to do with how often she laughed but it was something he liked to think about and Kaidan was pretty sure he was the only one on the ship who was familiar with the Commander's noises during the throes of passion.  
  
Well. Except for EDI, he supposed, but that wasn't something he particularly wanted to dwell on. Thinking too much about whether the AI was watching you have sex wasn't healthy, he was sure.  
  
EDI seemed to be discreet, anyway.  
  
So it was fine that Shepard laughed more around Garrus. She needed to laugh more, and have those few precious seconds of forgetting that the galaxy was depending on her. Kaidan wasn't so petty to be bothered by it. Not much, anyway.

 

-

 

"Doesn't count if you're cloaked, Shepard!"  
  
"Doesn't count if you're only a foot away, Vakarian!"  
  
The second thing he noticed was the never ending game of one-upmanship. He supposed it was to be expected, with two soldiers whose preferred weapons were sniper rifles.  
  
"That's two more for me!"  
  
"I thought we agreed we weren't going to count varren."  
  
Despite their catcalls to each other, or the taunting over the radio, the two worked together seamlessly. Shepard and Garrus had fought together for so long by now that they didn't need to talk - they read each other's gestures and body language and saved their breath for trash talking each other's aim or equipment.  
  
(Sometimes, they reminded Kaidan of those old buddy cop films. He wondered if turians had some similar staple in their entertainment.)  
  
Before - _before_ \- Kaidan would have seamlessly fit in with them (or well, Garrus would have fitted in with him and Shepard), but now sometimes he felt like he was intruding, despite the fact that his biotics complimented their skills nicely.  
  
It was the kind of thing that came with time, he knew, and he hadn't been back on the Normandy  _t_ _hat l_ ong. But, still. It reminded him that Garrus had always stuck with her, had never doubted her, and had never walked away from her. Sometimes he thought the turian was rather cool with him, but Kaidan had to remind himself that both he and Garrus had been through a lot in the last couple of years. They were both different people now.  
  
"You stole my headshot!"  
  
"Shepard, it's not my fault that your gun takes approximately one Earth year to reload."  
  
Battlefield banter. They all did it. Grousing about head-shots may seem a little callous to a civilian, but it was typical for soldiers. Sometimes it was the only thing to keep you grounded and human in the middle of of never ending death and pain.  
  
"Nice shot, Vakarian." There was a grudging respect in Shepard's voice as Garrus took down the last brute with a well aimed shot, giving them a chance to breathe.  
  
Garrus reply was a sarcastic drawl. "I do live for your approval, Shepard."  
  
"That's the last of them." Kaidan had been scanning the perimeter carefully. The air around them was silent and still, now that there were no more husks and brutes rushing them. "We should be able to get back to the shuttle now."  
  
Shepard nodded. She turned to him with a smile he could just make out behind her helmet as she absently rubbed her left arm. Before he could ask if she was okay, Garrus was there.  
  
And the third thing Kaidan noticed about Garrus and Shepard's relationship was how easily they touched each other. Garrus ever so gently took Shepard's arm, armoured as it was, to inspect the damage.  
  
She waved him away, saying it was just a scratch, that she was fine. “There's this wondrous thing called medi-gel, perhaps you've heard of it.”  
  
Yeah, she was definitely fine.  
  
But from then on, Kaidan noticed  _everything_ . Their touches, the words, their ease around each other - it all combined to show him a relationship that definitely hadn't existed on the SR1. And it bothered him. He didn't  _want_ it to, and he most certainly didn't think there was something going on between them now. No matter what his worries were, Shepard was with him now, and he trusted her. But had there been something between her and Garrus, back before they'd gone into the Omega 4 relay? Or did either of them  _want_ there to be something, regardless of interspecies issues?

 

-

 

They were in the embassies on the Citadel, having just left the spectre office to return to the Normandy. Shepard was talking – she'd been chatty today, enjoying the downtime on the Citadel while he'd been brooding to himself. For once, she hadn't pried, although he knew she'd noticed. She always noticed. She probably figured he was worried about his family - and he was - or just generally worried about y'know, the  _war_ \- which he  _was_ \- and this was her way of cheering him up. He had enjoyed the shooting range in the Spectre office, though. Definitely a place they needed to revisit.

He was just...brooding.  
  
Shepard had just hit the button for the elevator when she mentioned, casually, that she'd gotten an upgrade for her sniper rifle that Garrus might be interested in. And that's when the word vomit happened, in one exhale of madness, right there in the middle of the busy embassies.  
  
“Is there anything going on between you and Garrus?”  
  
He hadn't intended to say it, especially not like  _that_ . Oh, shit, he  _really_ hadn't meant to do that.  
  
Shepard stared at him, mouth slightly agape and brows furrowed. “ _What?_ ” She sounded a little shrill, which caused a few people to glance their way.  
  
Kaidan shuffled awkwardly, rubbing the back of his neck. “Hell. Shepard. Just...forget it.”  
  
She started shaking her head at his back-peddling. “No, no, no, you can't -” A small choking noise escaped her and she turned away from him, hand covering her mouth. Her shoulders started to shake and Kaidan began to feel like a real ass. Had he actually made her  _cry_ ?  
  
“Shepard, I'm sorry.” He gently touched her free arm, but she waved him away. She was making some gasping sounds now that were a little worrying. “Shepard, please! Look at me.”  
  
She did so, and her eyes were  _shining_ . His stomach dropped. As soon as she looked at him, she spluttered and started cackling. Really loudly. And he realised that she hadn't been  _crying_ . Which he was glad for, of course (and it seemed a little silly to ever think Shepard would get weepy eyed over something like this), but now he felt even more foolish. Especially with the way her uncontrolled laughter was gathering attention.  
  
Shepard's hands dropped to her knees, and she bent over slightly, gasping for breath while still laughing. And it was some laugh. A never ending, can't-catch-your-breath,  _l_ _oud_ laugh. Most of the humans around them looked amused. The aliens were looking a little alarmed.  
  
Shepard let out a long “ _ahhhhhhhhh_ ” as she tried to get herself under control.  
  
An asari stopped and asked if this was human childbirth. As he sent her on her way, Kaidan noticed that she hadn't offered to  _help._   
  
Some people of various races muttered about Commander Shepard finally losing it completely.  
  
A salarian was watching them with an unblinking, intense interest and Kaidan suspected he was mumbling notes into his omni-tool. That was a little unsettling.  
  
The elevator came and went, and people shuffled by them with varying levels of curiosity.  
  
He was pretty sure a human was recording everything on her omni-tool. Everything. Right down to his flustered face and awkward backpats.  
  
And then Shepard straightened up, only to see the turian guard near the elevator (who was very pointedly  _not_ looking at them while still radiating an aura of disapproval) and doubled over and started laughing all over again.  
  
Kaidan stood by her, the picture of awkwardness as he rubbed her back and wondered what to say. The few times he had thought about mentioning Garrus to Shepard, he had never thought it would get this kind of reaction. In the worst case scenario, she'd admit her love for Garrus and leave him and they'd ride off (his imagination conjured a motorcycle and they were both wearing leather jackets) into the sunset, killing things with sniper rifles. In the best case scenario, she'd just get angry at him for being such an idiot and asking such a stupid question.  
  
Either of those things could still happen, he supposed.

A volus suddenly stopped to gawk at the laughing human, causing two asari to stumble into him, who then glared at  _him_ . He wondered how enlightened a race had to be before they quit just  _stopping and staring_ at people behaving a little outside of normal procedure. He wondered if the protheans had done it in Javik's time. Or if they just shot people for not acting as they should.  
  
Finally, _mercifully_ , Shepard got herself under control. She grabbed onto Kaidan's arm and pulled herself up, still grinning. His hand dropped to her waist.  
  
“Don't let me look at a turian or it'll just start me off again.” She spoke in a low voice, directly into his ear, and she sounded a little winded from her laughing fit.  
  
Kaidan hit the button for the elevator again. He needed to get out of here, immediately. He was pretty sure his ears had gone red. “That might be difficult.”  
  
She chuckled. “I guess so.” Shepard glanced around, the amusement falling from her face as she narrowed her eyes at anyone still watching them. Now, suddenly, they all seemed to have places to be. Convenient, that.  
  
Kaidan was going to have to perfect that “I'm a Spectre, now get the hell out of my face” look.  
  
Shepard's current glare was slightly ruined when she saw the turian guard again. (Who was still radiating scorn with every fibre of his being even though he hadn't moved. That was quite a talent.) She turned into Kaidan slightly, shoulders shaking with laughter again. Thankfully, she managed to keep herself somewhat under control.  
  
The crowd had moved on by now, aside from the creepy salarian who was probably making a “mating habits of humans” vid. Kaidan was sure he hadn't blinked in the last five minutes. But he began to relax a little bit. Not only did Shepard seem to find the idea of her and Garrus laughable, she also didn't seem angry. Hopefully they could just forget that he had ever said anything.  
  
But still. Her reaction had been unexpected. And...a little less mature than he'd have thought from someone as open minded about aliens as she was. His own lips quirked upwards.  
  
“The idea of turian sex that funny?” He kept his voice quiet, not wanting to cause offence to some passing turian. He wondered if the guard could hear them.  
  
She cackled into his chest, but gave no other answer.  
  
“I'll take that as a yes, then.”  
  
Shepard pressed against him for a moment, laughing harder, before pulling away and taking a deep breath. She rubbed her face, flicking away the tears. Okay, so he had made her cry. But if it was from laughter, surely that wasn't a bad thing? “Damn, Kaidan, I can't remember the last time I laughed like that.”  
  
He raised his eyebrows and replied in a dry tone. “I'm glad you find me so hilarious.”  
  
She was still smiling as they stepped into the empty elevator, although she seemed to sober up at his words. He leaned against the back wall of the elevator while she faced him. “I'm sorry, I wasn't laughing at you.”  
  
His eyebrows raised higher. “Don't apologise, Shepard, it was a stupid thing for me to even say.”  
  
“Yeah, but, I really wasn't laughing at you. I just got this image of...well,  _turians_ and suddenly I was 14 years old again, sniggering at a Fornax a friend had brought to school.” She shook her head and gave a short laugh. “ _Garrus_ . Why would you ever think something like that?”  
  
Kaidan hesitated, not wanting to put his foot in his mouth again and not really sure how to articulate it now that she was asking. “I get that you two have been through a lot together, when I wasn't there. I've made my peace with that and with everything – we both have, I think” - she nodded in agreement - “and I'm here now. For good.” He shrugged and grabbed her hand, comforted by the squeeze she gave him. “I guess I was seeing something that wasn't there.”  
  
She tilted her head to the side, clearly not buying it. “C'mon, Kaidan.”  
  
“You're really not going to let this go?”  
  
With a small smile, she took his his other hand. “When do I ever?”

He gave a rueful smile. “Well, that's true. It's just... you have this bond, I guess. Like I said, I understand you went through a lot together and that brings people closer. But sometimes you two just seem so in tune.” Shepard stepped forward, closer to him, letting go of one of his hands to gently touch his face, like she was trying to brush away his worry lines. “And you touch each other a lot...”  
  
He trailed off as the elevator stopped. A salarian got on, giving them a quick nod before turning his back on them to face the door.  
  
Shepard didn't even register the salarian's arrival, far too preoccupied with the man in front of her. She lightly trailed her hand over his stubbled cheek. "Touching Garrus... it's easy because there's nothing there. Touching Garrus doesn't set me on fire." She pressed herself closer to him, her lips just skimming his jaw, her breath hot against his skin. "It doesn't make me want to rip his clothes off and shove him onto the floor and have my way with him right here, in front of anyone who happens to be around. That's how  _you_ make me feel."  
  
Kaidan swallowed. Heavily. The salarian standing near them made a disgusted noise, causing Shepard to laugh quietly and step back, like she'd just remembered where they were.  
  
"I can see why that would be a problem."  
  
The elevator finally landed at the docks, and the salarian ran out of there like his head was on fire. Kaidan kept his eyes on Shepard, who was now frowning.  
  
"It's not a problem, Kaidan. It's…" She looked up at him for a brief moment, before she turned to take in the busy docks. With a sigh, she grabbed his hand and tugged him towards the Normandy. They remained in silence until they reached the decontamination chamber and were finally alone. He sensed she had something to say and didn't want an audience when she said it.  
  
"It's not a problem," Shepard repeated. He opened his mouth to reply, but the look on her face stopped him. It was oddly vulnerable, for her, and yet…still so strong. They stepped into the empty CIC, hands still intertwined as the disembodied voice of EDI welcomed them back. None of them knew when they'd be back at the Citadel, so the crew was making the most of their short shore leave.  
  
She let go of his hand, turning to face him as she leaned lightly against one of the consoles. "I know what we're fighting for," she began, voice no louder than a murmur. He stepped closer, not quite touching. "The galaxy, civilization as we know it, Earth, everyone and  _everything_ , and that's enough. But it's abstract. When I touch you, when I  _see_ you or when I hear your name, I'm fighting for you." She raised her hand to his heart, and he immediately covered it with his own. "For  _us_ . That's tangible. And sometimes that seems more important to me. As selfish as that sounds." She looked away, slightly shamefaced at her admission.  
  
Kaidan moved closer again, both his hands coming to rest on her waist. "It's human, Shepard. Don't think I don't feel the same way, or that I'm not fighting for us too."  
  
He kissed her then, and he felt her slight smile against his lips as she manoeuvred her hands up to rake through his hair. With a sigh, her lips parted and she let him take the lead; his tongue gentle but insistent as one of his hands came up to cup her jaw. Unconsciously, he pressed himself closer to her, and more of her weight shifted onto the console behind her. Something beeped, but neither of them noticed until EDI spoke again.  
  
"Shepard, the environmental control console is not a recommended area for such activities."  
  
Kaidan wondered if he imagined the tiny reproachful note in EDI's voice. But Shepard was already laughing and moving away.  
  
“What about the elevator, EDI?”  
  
“You have a private cabin, Shepard.” Nope, he  _definitely_ hadn't imagined the tone in EDI's voice.  
  
“Fine, fine.” Shepard turned to him with raised eyebrows, and he smiled and nodded in response. The short elevator ride was silent, and they both kept their hands to themselves, lest they upset EDI again.

As soon as they entered her cabin, Shepard unzipped her hoodie and tossed it onto the nearby desk, leaving her in just a tank top. “You know, it's strange how you somehow ended up comforting me when it should have been the other way around.”  
  
Kaidan could only shrug. His concerns about Garrus seemed even more petty now, given her reaction and what she'd just told him in the CIC. “Forget about it. I was being ridiculous.”  
  
“No, you weren't.” Shepard's tone was firm. “If it bothers you, then it isn't ridiculous. It's just....” her lips twitched slightly. “It's  _Garrus._ ”  
  
“You know that just saying his name doesn't really explain things for me, right?”  
  
She laughed. “I know. I just keep trying to imagine how turians have sex and...” she trailed off, her mind clearly elsewhere. He was just about to respond with a dry “really mature, Commander”, when she suddenly covered her hand with her mouth, but not before letting out a high pitched noise he'd never thought he'd hear come from Commander Shepard.  
  
“Did you just  _giggle_ ?”  
  
She straightened to her full height and in her best Commander Shepard voice (which was ruined by the ripple of amusement still running through her) said, “No. I did not. I order you to forget I ever made that noise.”  
  
“Can't order me around anymore, Commander.” His eyes drifted down automatically when she crossed her arms under her breasts.  
  
She scoffed, taking note of his distraction with an internal smirk. “I could kick you off my ship, Major Alenko.”  
  
With a laugh, he wrapped his arms around her and she sank against him, letting him hold her up. “You could, Commander,” he mused. “But I don't think you will.”  
  
The confidence in his voice made her arch her brow in question, although he couldn't see it. Her face was pressed against his chest and it was  _such_ a nice place to be, she didn't really want to move just yet.  
  
As if he'd heard her unspoken question, Kaidan continued. “After all, who else is going to  _set your body on fire_ ?”  
  
She laughed uproariously at that, the way she had when he first posed the question about Garrus to her. The sound was a little muffled against his chest, and her shaking body was very, very pleasant against his own. After a moment she began to calm down, and pulled back slightly to get some air....and then snorted, causing another fit of laughing, this time from them both.  
  
Once he had recovered slightly, he grinned at her. “Dignified, Commander.”  
  
She winked. Somewhat lasciviously. “Galaxy's best and brightest. You love it.”  
  
“I do,” he said, more weight behind his words than he originally intended. He ran a thumb across her cheek, before cupping it gently. Her smile in response was soft, as was the kiss that followed it.  
  
It didn't stay soft for long, and as he manoeuvred her towards the bed he had to break away to allow them both to catch a breath. Capable as he was, he took the breather as an opportunity to peel off both her tank top and her bra, and flung them to the far reaches of the room. His hands ran down the smooth skin of her back to rest on her hips, while his tongue found a nipple. She arched against him, her own hands bunching in his shirt, attempting to pull it up but not really wanting to remove his lips from her  _just_ yet. He scraped his teeth lightly along her skin, getting  _that_ breathy moan, before pulling back with a chuckle and indicating the bed with a tilt of his head.  
  
Shepard arched an eyebrow, but acquiesced, settling herself on the bed and leaning back on her elbows to watch him pull off his shirt.  
  
“You going to give me a show, Major?”  
  
Kaidan ignored her words in favour of pulling off her boots. “Unbutton your pants,” he said in that raspy tone that he knew she loved. Again, the eyebrows went up, but she did as he said, a smile playing on her lips that broadened further when he quickly pulled them down her legs and off her body. They were tossed behind him somewhere, leaving her in just her panties.

She sat up and scooted to the edge of the bed before he could do anything else. “May I?” She indicated to his pants. Mainly the crotch area. But he got the idea. Shepard didn't even wait for an answer before she leaned down to undo his boots. Above her, Kaidan swallowed heavily, watching the pale expanse of skin along her back, wanting to kiss each freckle he could see. He could feel her cheek pressed against the inside of one leg, and then the other, before he felt her hands tug on his calves. Obediently, he stepped out of his boots and kicked them away. Her hands slowly moved up his legs, and he hissed slightly as she grazed his erection, growing harder under her feather light touches.  
  
Shepard didn't tease him for long, thankfully, and popped open his pants and pulled them, along with his underwear, down. Again, he stepped out of them and kicked them away, putting himself a little out of reach of Shepard's hands.  
  
“You gonna get back over here?” She playfully ran a hand down between her breasts, stopping to play with the hem of her panties.  
  
He playfully stroked his erection in return, enjoying the way she watched him, her eyes fixed on the movement of his hand. Her chest rose and fell rapidly. “If that's what you want.”  
  
“Always.”  
  
He stepped forward, and Shepard immediately leaned out to grab his hips to halt him when he was close enough. She kissed the tip of his penis before pulling back slightly.  
  
“I am sorry, for laughing before.”  
  
He took a deep breath and shook his head. “I'm sorry, for even asking. You, uh, you know you don't have to do  _this_ -” One of her hands wrapped around his cock, effectively cutting him off.  
  
Shepard smirked. “ _This?_ ” She sucked the head of his erection into her mouth while her hand worked him for a moment, before she again pulled back slightly, still stroking him. He managed a faint “uh huh” in reply. “I know I don't  _have_ to, but I really,  _really_ want to.” She went back to work then, taking him as far into her mouth as she could. She set a quick pace, using her tongue and hands in exactly the way she knew he loved. Kaidan let out an involuntary, strangled sounding moan and his eyes closed, and he felt her smile around him.  
  
Forcing his eyes open, he looked down at her, meeting her eyes. One of his hands worked it's way into her hair, just to be touching her, and he could feel the nails of her fingers not currently wrapped around his cock digging into his backside. He watched with heavy-lidded eyes as she bobbed up and down on him, as he lightly thrusted into her mouth. One of her hands travelled to cup his balls, and as he gasped her name, he knew he was close. Shepard knew it too, and she clutched his ass even tighter to make sure he wouldn't pull away. When he came, it was with a shout, and the hand in her hair tightened. Shepard moaned around him, swallowing everything he gave before releasing him with a satisfied grin and a pat on the ass.  
  
Kaidan collapsed on the bed beside her, still breathing heavily and dragging himself up to rest his head on a pillow. Shepard followed, and his arms curled around her as she draped herself on him. She rested her head in the crook of his neck, listening to his heartbeat.  
  
“That wasn't exactly how I planned this going.”

She smiled against his skin. “I know, but we have enough time before we leave the Citadel for you to make it up to me.”  
  
He chuckled. “Sounds good.”  
  
Shepard hummed in response, and for a time they lay in contented silence. It was a small bubble of bliss before it all went to hell again, but Kaidan pushed those thoughts away for now. He'd forever remember this moment, when Shepard was in his arms and nothing was trying to kill them, and they loved each other. And he'd fight every Reaper in the galaxy to have another moment like this.  
  
After a while, he thought Shepard might have dozed off, and he contemplated the best way to wake her. But she suddenly stirred, and he felt her tense a bit and take a deep breath, like she was preparing herself for something. Like he'd seen her do before she needed to talk to the Council.  
  
“Garrus reminds me of my brother.”  
  
The non sequitur threw him for a few seconds. His brain was still a little bit in post-orgasm mode.  
  
“Huh. Your...brother?”  
  
“Yeah, John. He was older than me, actually, whereas Garrus has always been more of a little brother, but...” She trailed off slightly, her gaze focused on where her fingers were tracing patterns on the taunt skin of his stomach.  
  
_Oh._ Kaidan could have kicked himself. Shepard didn't talk much about her family or what happened on Mindoir, but he had known she'd had a brother. Read it years ago in some file just before she'd arrived on the SR1. Heard it again in some news vid that had been waxing lyrical on her history and achievements not long after she'd died. It had been on an elevator in the Citadel and he'd been desperately trying to block it out.  
  
He turned on his side to face her, catching the hand tracing his stomach in one of his own. They resettled, facing each other with their legs intertwining.  
  
“John was a good shot,” she continued in a low voice. “Not as good as me, of course, even though he had two years on me....” her eyes were on him, but Kaidan got the impression she wasn't seeing him at all. “He was so loyal, protective of everyone he cared about, wicked sense of humour.” Her lips quirked slightly, before she sighed. “I know Garrus isn't John, and he isn't a replacement for John, but...Garrus is family.” Her eyes refocused on his face, seemingly searching for something.  
  
“I understand, Shepard.” And Kaidan did understand. It had been difficult to see, coming at it from the completely wrong perspective as he had. To assume that everyone must feel the way he felt about Shepard because...well, how could anyone not be completely in love with her?  
  
She smiled at him, a blinding smile that would have chased away any doubts if he'd still had them. And when he smiled back at her, she felt the warmth and comfort of home, a feeling she hadn't had in many years, and for her it chased away the dark thoughts of her lost family and of waking up alone in a Cerberus facility and of Reapers and everything else. Oh, once they left the Citadel in a few hours it would all begin again, with precious few moments of peace.  
  
But for now this was good. Garrus was her family, and so was Wrex, Liara, Tali – all of them. They'd be her family no matter where in the galaxy they ended up.  
  
Kaidan would always be her home.  
  
She pulled him in for a kiss, still smiling.

  


-

  


Shepard sat atop the console beside Garrus' gun area, where each bit of his rifle was meticulously laid out for cleaning and quick reassemble. She was being quiet, so Garrus figured she had something on her mind. So he too stayed silent pretending not to notice her (amused? she looked amused) stare while he attempted to work. He wondered if she was just trying to make him uncomfortable. Solana used to try that when they were younger.  
  
"Hey Garrus…." Shepard started and then trailed off, waiting until he looked at her. "You ever think you and me, if we could have had something?" Shepard gestured between them, a grin on her face.  
  
The question amused him, and he wondered what had made her ask him  _that_ , but he kept his face blank. He straightened to his full height, staring her down. He took her in, from head to those really tiny toes that humans had – as if considering. After a moment, he answered. "Would never have worked out, Shepard." He kept his voice deadpan.  
  
Cue the eyebrow arch. "Oh, and what makes you say that?"  
  
"Well, I've seen the way you act when Allers so much as glances in the Major's direction - "  
  
"I don't  _act_ any particular way."  
  
His mandibles flared in amusement. "Uh huh."  
  
Shepard crossed her arms and raised an eyebrow at him. Her lips pursed and her voice turned chilly. "Garrus…."  
  
He had to laugh. "That's a pretty good impression of what you do to Allers. But anyway, Shepard, my point is this - you and I….wouldn't end well."  
  
Shepard continued to glower at him.  
  
"What's that human phrase?" He pondered for a moment. "Ah, yes, you'd be punching above your weight."  
  
" _I'd_ be…" for a second Shepard seemed to be at a loss for words. Surely that meant a Reaper somewhere, had just dropped dead out of the sky. Or a pig had flown. Or something like that. "By who's standards?" She covered her mouth with her hand to hide her smile.  
  
Garrus again pretended to consider for a moment. "Well, everyone's. I mean," he gestured to himself, "did you think you and Grunt were the only ones who got a breeding request on Tuchanka? The scars, Shepard. And as you know, I'm  _kind_ of a big deal in the Hierarchy these days.  _And_ knowing your jealous tendencies, I could see you being distracted from all that saving the galaxy business to deal with everyone who wants your turian boyfriend."  
  
"So you're saying you and I could never be together…for the sake of the galaxy?"  
  
Garrus nodded sagely. "Harsh, but we've got to consider the greater good. Besides, Shepard, I've seen some extranet vids of you humans."  
  
"Oh?"  
  
"Yeah, uh, Joker felt like I needed to broaden my horizons a little bit."  
  
" _Really_ ."  
  
"Interesting to watch, but uh, not my thing, you understand. Seems too messy. And too much….pink. And hair. The hair everywhere. Yeah. Not my thing."  
  
Shepard sighed in a dramatic fashion. She wondered just what kind of hairy human porn Joker had given him. "I understand, Garrus. I just hope that  _you_ understand that you've broken my heart."  
  
He chuckled. "I'm sure the Major will find a way to soothe your bruised ego."  
  
"You know, Vakarian, that's not a bad idea." She hopped down from the console, smirk firmly in place as she swayed her hips. "I'll leave you think about all the pink bits and hair you're missing out on."  
  
It was with a visible shudder that Garrus replied. "No thanks. I think I'll stick to turians, or at very least the dextro races. I will give you a word of advice though - next time, don't use the elevator. It's not soundproof."  
  
"EDI already warned us against using it but, damn, and we thought we were being discreet."  
  
"There's nothing discreet about the way you two look at each other, never mind the rest." As Shepard moved to leave, Garrus gently grabbed her wrist. "Wait, Shepard. I know I may have been less than impressed when Kaidan came back on board, after everything. And I don't want to get too mushy on you, but I'm glad you've found happiness. Both of you."  
  
She grinned at him, and took the hand on her wrist in both of her own and squeezed softly. "Appreciate it, Garrus. We'll talk later." She paused. "Avoid the elevator for a while, I'm going to go be  _discreet_ with the Major."


	2. Four One Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kinkmeme prompt: femShep/Kaidan reunite after a perfect destroy ending.
> 
> (This is a standalone oneshot - you don't need to have read the previous chapter before reading this.)

It was three hundred and sixty five days after the end of the Reaper War, and the sun was shining in London. It was the end of autumn, and the temperature was mild. The city - like the rest of galaxy - was still rebuilding, and was still largely unrecognisable when compared to it’s former glory. 

But it was also unrecognisable to anyone who had been here exactly a year ago. Much of the rubble had been cleared away. Even some of the tube lines were back running. Life went on. Despite the fact that London was doing better than most of Earth, rebuilding would take time - but that was okay, because they _had_ time now. 

“One year ago today, Commander Jane Shepard destroyed the Reapers.”

On a podium set in front of where Commander Shepard had entered the Conduit, Admiral Hackett was speaking. There was no conduit - or rubble, or ash, or dead bodies, or anything that might remind someone who had been there a year ago of how it had been - but a memorial wall, with hundreds of flowers, pictures and tributes to lost loved ones. 

“Today, we remember the sacrifice that she and Admiral David Anderson made, and the sacrifice of everyone we lost in the war. But even though it came with a high price, we won. The Reapers were defeated.”

Dozens of cameras were trained on the Admiral’s lined and wearied face. Others scanned the large crowd who had gathered for the occasion, and were transmitting the images across the galaxy - although not quite as speedily or quite as far as before the war. 

It seemed like every week a new buoy had been repaired, opening up communication again. And even the relays could be rebuilt, although getting them all back online again was taking longer than expected.

The crowd was mainly human, but London had a not unsubstantial population of turians and asari these days, along with the occasional members of other races. Some of the humans looked disgruntled - not everyone was satisfied with how the Alliance had handled the war and it’s aftermath, or the new appointments to the government and defence council. 

And not everyone believed the story that the Alliance had no idea what had happened when Commander Shepard got to the Citadel and activated the Crucible. Conspiracy theories were rife, and discontent was spreading. 

In the crowd, a tall woman stood was leaning heavily on a crutch. She had a hood pulled up that partially covered her face, but didn’t quite conceal the angry scar that covered most of her left cheek and ran into her hairline. It drew no attention; she wasn’t the only person with lasting injuries in this crowd.

She wasn’t listening to the Admiral, and although her eyes looked to be trained on him, they were actually focused on a spot not far off - the spot where she’d said goodbye to the people she loved exactly one year ago.

Most nights, her dreams were twisted with fire and flame and impossible choices. Tonight would be worse, because she’d dream of everything she’d lost.

The Admiral finished his speech to ragged cheers - it had probably been rousing, but the scarred woman paid it no mind. After Hackett, the Mayor of London said words, and then a woman who was the favourite to be humanity’s next Councillor, and various representatives of the other races. 

But the woman was long gone. She had somewhere to be, and these days it took her longer than she’d like to get around. 

She also no longer had the stomach for listening to politicians.

 

***

It had been a hell of a day for Admiral Hackett. He understood the necessity of the speeches and the need to give the public hope, but he’d much rather do his work behind the scenes and focus on his soldiers, and leave the posturing to the politicians. 

There was an endless list of things to be done and items that demanded his attention. It wasn’t much different from wartime in that regard. Most worryingly was the rise of insurgents. He could understand their concerns, even if he hated their actions. London was doing well - hell, Britain as a whole was doing well, all things considered. But things were different elsewhere. Aside from several major cities and their outlying regions like Vancouver, Rio and Beijing, much of Earth was lawless. Mercenary gangs had set up home - and not all of them were human. 

Hackett was confident they’d eventually regain control in most areas, but the depressing fact was that they simply didn’t have the resources or manpower to deal with it all immediately. Right now they were focused on retaking the entire west coast of the United North American States, an operation that was going better than expected. But they weren’t moving fast enough for some people, and not everyone wanted to live in the safe strongholds.

It was like the human colonies in the Terminus systems all over again.

Hackett pulled himself from his thoughts as he entered the barracks. Night had long since fallen, and he’d spent the evening listening to political bullshit. He nodded to the two marines who saluted him, and made his way to his small, private cabin. 

He was exhausted. But that still didn’t stop him from realising something was _wrong_ as he entered the dark room. Carefully, he reached for the pistol concealed under his jacket and flicked on the light switch. 

A hooded woman with a smile on her lips stood a few feet away from him, a heavy pistol aimed at his head. Behind her, another hooded figure sat at his desk, slightly turned away from the door.

“Now, now, Admiral,” the gun wielding woman sounded far too pleasant for Hackett’s liking. “We’re just here to talk.”

The figure at the desk sighed and turned.

“Kasumi.”

Hackett recognised that voice immediately, and dropped his hands. The woman named Kasumi dropped the gun and stepped away to perch herself on the desk beside her companion, who now lowered her hood, confirming to Hackett what he already knew.

“ _Shepard_?”

She seemed to wince slightly at the sound of her name, but nodded. 

Kasumi interjected. “It’s Alenko, now.” 

Trying to get his bearings, Hackett glanced at the other woman. He’d be lying if he said he hadn’t hoped Shepard would somehow be alive - after all, she’d done it before. Selfishly, a part of him wanted her around because he felt it would be easier for him. But it had been a year, and he had long since quashed that hope.

He had a thousand questions to ask her, but the first one that stumbled out was “Alenko?”

Kasumi seemed to light up. “Oh, yes! Married just before-”

Shepard interrupted her. “We’re not here to talk about that.”

Hackett was good at what he did, and before he’d been an Admiral, he’d been a damn good soldier. He adapted quickly. Shepard and Alenko breaking regs wasn’t the biggest concern here. And he now recalled that Kasumi Goto had been a member of Shepard’s crew when she took down the Collector’s and had helped with building the Crucible. She’d fallen off the grid after the war, like so many others.

He took the few seconds to take in the differences in Shepard. The long red hair was gone. Judging by the scarring, it looked like she had suffered severe burns and undergone several surgeries. There was a soft looking fuzz growing now, just covering the scars on her scalp. Her face and body was gaunt - she looked like she had lost a lot of muscle mass. There was a crutch next to her chair, and she moved awkwardly, even when sitting down. 

But the timbre of her voice, and those green eyes hadn’t changed. The weariness that had weighed on her during the war was still there. Pain pinched her face. She certainly hadn’t gotten through unscathed, and he thought back to his words during his earlier speech.

She may be alive, but she had still made sacrifices. 

“Shepard. Tell me what happened.” He put his _and that’s an order_ voice on, but he didn’t really think he could order her to do anything she hadn’t already decided to do. 

It was thanks to her that any of them were still alive. 

She looked away from Kasumi to meet his gaze. “I will. I’ll tell you what happened with the Reapers and what happened to me, and you’ll tell me what happened to the Normandy.”

“So that’s why you’re here.”

“I heard a rumour.”

He gave a mirthless chuckle. “I didn’t think you were one to place faith in rumours, Shepard.” 

“I’m not. If I thought it was bullshit I wouldn’t be here. But...that’s my _crew_ , sir.”

Hackett wondered where she had heard this rumour. Their recent communication with the MIA Normandy had been classified information. But Shepard had always been a resourceful individual, and if she was still keeping company with the likes of Goto...he’d have to look into updating Alliance security protocols.

Truthfully, it was hard not to be suspicious of Shepard, despite everything. Anyone who seemed to return from the dead as much as she did should expect a little suspicion.  
They regarded each other for a moment. There were a few ways this could go, Hackett knew. He could easily call in some marines. They were in the middle of an Alliance barracks. Shepard was injured. It was unlikely she and her cohort would be able to escape if the alarm was raised.

Unlikely but...this was Commander Shepard. Even if they captured her, it wasn’t a good way to treat the saviour of the galaxy, and would probably not endear her to tell him what he wanted to know.

So he nodded in agreement. “What happened on the Citadel?”

“What happened to the Normandy?” There was an urgency in her voice that he’d never heard before, and it was reflected in her face for just a second. Then she clamped back down on her control, but that second was enough. 

This was her crew, as she had said, and it was a crew that had gone through hell and back for her - and would do it again. And her husband was on that ship, if Kasumi Goto was being truthful. 

So he relented. 

“We received a delayed transmission about a month ago. They crashed in the Attican Beta; some minor injuries, no deaths. Joker’s good at what he does.” Immediately some of the tension eased out of her shoulders. “We’ve only recently established communication with the system; the Normandy spent about three months on repairs, but the ship still isn’t fully functional, especially with the loss of the AI. They-”

“EDI?” Shepard’s interruption was unexpected. Even Kasumi was staring at him now, her previous air of nonchalance dropped. “You said there were no deaths.” 

Hackett paused for only a split second. “I apologise, Shepard. The AI - EDI - went offline when the relays did.” 

Kasumi glanced down at Shepard, laying a quick squeeze on her shoulder. Shepard was staring past Hackett now, obviously reliving something. He took the moment to remove his damn uncomfortable dress jacket, carefully hanging it up on the opposite side of the room. He looked back when he heard Kasumi murmur something, to which she got a tight nod in response.

“Please continue.” Shepard’s voice was rigid.

Taking another chair in the corner of the room, Hackett resumed the story. “The Normandy managed to make it to Feros to refuel. The colonists - the small number of them that survived - said they were determined to make it back to Earth. That was almost nine months ago. Two weeks ago, we finally found them. They’re heading for the Hades Gamma relay, which is expected to be back online within the month. The Normandy is expected to take about a little longer to reach it. Major Alenko sent the last report.” He paused. “We hope to have them home soon.”

Hackett had reeled off the information in a succinct manner, knowing that Shepard just wanted straight facts. She was perfectly still, processing the information, and hardly a flicker crossed her face. 

But Kasumi was smiling. “We’ll be having a romantic reunion soon, Admiral!” Her tone was so genial, he found it hard to believe she’d been pointing a gun at his head just several moments before.

“I understand that’s a lot to take in, Shepard. If you want a moment -”

“No.”

She didn’t need a moment. She needed to tell him and then get the hell out of these barracks. Later, she would process this. In private.

So, she began speaking. Like Hackett, she kept to the facts, speaking in an even voice like this was just another report and giving no hint to her inner turmoil. She started from the moment she entered the Conduit, and how it spat her out to a hellish vision of the Keepers prowling around human bodies piled high. She told him of Anderson, the Illusive Man, and the Catalyst.

The choice she had made - to destroy the Reapers - haunted her, but she didn’t gloss over or make any excuses. It had been the only choice for her. Destroy the Reapers had been her goal for so long, and no snotty AI was going to sway her. 

Even if it meant losing EDI and the geth. 

Her own death hadn’t mattered - and she had fully expected to die - even though her heart cracked every time she thought about Kaidan. She’d only hoped that he’d understand, and that somehow he’d be happy.

He’d been her final thought as a last burst of strength ran through her, and she’d straightened and emptied every last bullet into a conduit - into her _choice_.

And then she’d burned.

***

“I remember waking up, briefly, in a lot of pain. I managed to release some medigel which...was probably what kept me alive long enough to be found. I was surrounded by rubble and it was pretty dark...and then I passed out.”

To say she had been in _a lot of pain_ was putting it mildly. She could tell large parts of her suit had burned away and was melting on her body. There was a very large piece of debris going through her right leg and pinning her to the ground. Every last part of her ached, and it was dark because she’d thought she was going blind.

She was relieved that she’d blacked out. 

She hadn’t expected to wake up again. 

***

“The found me in France. In Normandy, actually.” Her lip curled as she said that. “I’d arrived through the atmosphere on a fairly large chunk of the Citadel - whatever part of it I’d been on. Somehow the barriers kept me from burning up completely.”

Both Kasumi and Hackett were still and silent as she spoke, not wanting to interrupt. Shepard hardly seemed aware of them herself.

She’d been in a coma for over four months. They transported her, along with some other survivors, to Paris. There, they’d done what they could for her - which wasn’t much. Aside from stabilising her, they’d amputated her right leg from the knee down, and there was little point fitting a prosthetic to a person in a coma and unlikely to wake up. The fixed what internal injuries they could. 

But slowly, her cybernetics seemed to heal her - Cerberus’ money was well spent - and she began to wake up for short snatches of time. She couldn’t talk, and she couldn’t move. For a time she existed in in a hazy bubble of pain medication and vivid dreams - some good, most bad. 

She quickly realised they had no idea who she was - _Madame Unetelle_ \- and while she couldn’t speak, she couldn’t tell them. All she could do was listen. 

Her dog tags were not her own. She and Kaidan had exchanged them along with wedding rings. The ring also hung on the chain around her neck. The service number and part of the name had been scorched from the tags. The doctors had no way to identify her.

For a while, it was hard to separate reality from her dreams. It was painful to wake up and realise that Kaidan wasn’t there holding her hand. Or that Garrus hadn’t been sitting beside her, telling her how happy he was with Tali and telling her she owed him a drink. Or that _none_ of them were here. 

But It was good to wake up and hear the news reports and know that the Reapers were most definitely gone.

She hadn’t trusted that damn Catalyst.

The worst was the report on the Normandy. Lost, like so many others. The reporter had delivered that news on vid so easily, like the weather. Like it wasn’t something that almost made Shepard give up completely. She had stared at the cracked ceiling above her for what felt like days. Accepting that they might all be gone was that hardest thing she’d ever had to do.

Briefly, she wished she had died on the Citadel. At least then she’d finally be at peace. But thanks to Cerberus she was still here and still suffering.

And yet, they might still be out there, alive. The relays and comm buoys were down. Was it foolish to hope? 

It probably was, but she kept that flare alive in her chest, needing _something_ to hold to. She tried not to recall the seconds before she’d died above Alchera and the Normandy SR1 had fallen to pieces in the atmosphere while she’d watched and asphyxiated.

Yeah, it wasn’t hard to keep the hope tempered. But she still held onto it, and knew she had to get out of this hospital bed. She had to be ready if they returned.

It was strange to be completely helpless and to hear about her exploits from the news and from other patients and medical staff. But it was also a relief to not have to wear the mantle of Commander Shepard. No one gawked or asked her questions or demanded answers or action. She was unknown - just another damaged soldier. Her body was weak from her months in a coma. Her hair had been shaved off for some surgeries and large burns covered her face and large swathes of her body. They talked about getting that fixed, much further down the line. Right now, cosmetic surgery wasn’t a priority for anyone.

Not all the news she heard was good. Already discontent was spreading as people struggled after the war. Grief at lost loved ones and homes caused people to lash out in anger. News that London and Vancouver were receiving most of the Alliance help for rebuilding caused some consternation with the French. Shepard herself was being lauded and villainised all at the same time.

Some things never changed, and she was tired of it all. 

Slowly she recovered. She was able to speak and sit up. The first thing she did was demand an omni-tool. 

She gave her name as Jane Alenko. 

***

At this point, Shepard paused, shifting in her seat. 

There was so much she didn’t tell Hackett. Like any soldier, she’d learned to compartmentalise. During the war, she’d had no other choice. She had no time to mourn Thane or Mordin or Legion, or to dwell on the millions dying on Earth, on Palavan, on all the planets. She couldn’t stop and think about how the banshee screaming in her face used to be an asari. She just had to do her job. 

And she had. She’d done it. But having nothing else to do but sit in a bed and listen to news reports about what she’d done meant she had to face what she would rather not. Looking back now, she realised that Kaidan had been the only thing that had given her a moment of respite. He’d made sure she had a sanity check every now and then - either by having a steak of questionable meat origin on the Citadel or by fibbing about stopping by her cabin for a “quick drink”. 

Or by moaning “Marry me, Shepard” in her ear while they’d been making love. He’d seemed a bit embarrassed about it afterwards. 

_”I didn’t mean to just blurt it out like that.”_

She missed him so much. 

The downtime also gave her too much opportunity to remember her grievances with the Alliance and all the bullshit she’d put up with from the Council. She thought of her six months under arrest, and of the army of psychologists they’d sent in to “chat” with her, hoping to prove her insane.

When the hospital staff had given her an omni-tool, she’d considered contacting Alliance High Command. From the vids she’d seen, she knew Hackett was in charge. 

She also knew that Commander Shepard was considered KIA. 

She dwelled on it, but not for long. She was a decisive person. 

Instead of contacting Alliance High Command, she put her skills to use and found Miranda Lawson, who was thankfully still on Earth. Thanks to nerve damage, they weren’t sure if she’d ever be able to wield a gun with any accuracy again, but she could damn well still hack with the best of them. 

Her doctors talked of prosthetics and physical therapy and further surgeries.

When Miranda Lawson arrived, she called them all idiots and took over Shepard’s care personally. Her doctors had been insulted, but ultimately they were completely overworked and needed any help they could get, and Miranda quickly proved she knew what she was talking about. She also looked completely unchanged. Shepard had somehow expected that the war would leave everyone physically scarred or maimed, but Miranda never even seemed to have a hair out of place. It was remarkable. 

It was nice, to have someone familiar around her. Miranda didn’t ask any questions, she simply threw herself into Shepard’s recovery with the single minded zeal that had brought about the success of the Lazarus project. Except now Shepard was a friend and not just a science subject. Miranda told her of Oriana and how she was helping the rebuilding effort. There’d been a moment when she’d grasped Shepard’s hand and squeezed.

“Thank you again, Shepard, for all you did.” 

Miranda fixed more problems than the local doctors had even known about - Shepard’s body had always been something of a minefield to them, littered with advanced cybernetics that none of them had been willing to touch. 

The physical therapy was brutal, but it was something to focus on. Physical pain was something she could deal with, and she worked herself hard to exhaust her body to ensure dreamless sleeps. The goal - to walk again - kept her sane. It stopped her from thinking about other subjects. She’d learned to compartmentalise again.

She had no idea what she’d done once she could walk again. 

When she finally did - ten months after she’d been pulled from the wreckage of the Citadel - Miranda asked her if she was returning to the Alliance.

She’d said no.

***

“I gave everything to the Alliance, from the moment I signed up. I don’t have anything left to give.” 

She looked at Hackett steadily as she said this. There was a lot more she could say. The burning anger she’d felt at the way she’d been treated since she’d died flared up. It had been petty to be concerned about it during the war but now she knew she couldn’t ignore it. Especially not with Anderson dead. If he were still here...but, no, she couldn’t think like that. He was gone and she could never go back, even if her body managed to fully recover. 

She didn’t want to be their damn figurehead (or scapegoat when needed) any longer. It was bad enough that her image was used so frequently in the vids, but she could learn to live with that. The hearty, hale marine with the glossy red hair no longer existed. 

“We could really use you, Shepard.”

“Yeah,” she replied bitterly. “I’m sure you could.” 

Hackett gave no reply. If she’d been found and correctly identified, it was likely she’d have been honourably discharged, anyway. In the light of what she’d done for the galaxy, it was likely the charges over her involvement with Cerberus and the Bahak incident would be glossed over. But her presence would be good for moral and could help them gain support.

Of course, it could also bring the dissidents down on her head. 

So he didn’t argue with her, for now.

With less difficulty than he expected, Shepard stood and grabbed her crutch.

“That’s it. When I heard the rumours about the Normandy, I figured here would be a good place to try talk to you. Kasumi helped me.” She tilted her head in the direction of the thief, who simply smiled magnanimously.

Hackett also stood. “Would you have ever told me this if you hadn’t wanted information?”

Shepard thought for a moment, taking the question seriously and answering honestly. “Yes.” 

He nodded, knowing she was being truthful. “If you leave your contact details, I’ll make sure you’re notified when we have a return date for the Normandy. I’ll...keep this meeting to myself.” 

The relief was palpable, although only to one that was watching her closely. “Thank you. Kasumi?”

The thief stepped forward, opening her omni-tool and transferring the details to Hackett’s own. As they moved to leave, he stepped in front of the door, blocking their path. 

“Shepard, I don’t want you leaving here thinking that I, or the Alliance, don’t appreciate what you’ve done for us all.”

He saluted her.

She transferred her crutch to her left hand and returned the gesture. 

When they left, Hackett sat heavily in the seat Shepard had just vacated and poured himself some whiskey. He knew he wasn’t going to sleep, not after that conversation.

***

“Jack was worried.”

The woman in question glared at Miranda. “Like hell I was.” 

It was testament to Shepard’s skills that Miranda and Jack could now remain in one room together without a chaperone or the building they were in receiving structural damage.

They would never be friends, though.

“I appreciate the concern, but I trust the Admiral.” 

Jack shook her head, turning away from the small window she’d been standing by. “You can’t trust people like him. And going into a barracks full of marines like that? You shoulda brought more than just the thief.”

“And yet,” answered Kasumi, “here we are, safe and sound. And Mrs. Alenko will soon be reunited with the handsome major and the rest of her crew.” 

“No shit!” 

“That’s great news, Shepard.” 

Shepard nodded in reply, too tired to form words on the topic of Kaidan and the Normandy. She made her way over to the small kitchen to get a drink. 

“I need to run some tests tomorrow, Shepard. I’d do them tonight but...you look exhausted.” 

She nodded again to Miranda before gulping down some water. The last few days had been her most active since she’d woken up, although she was pleased with how her body had held up, even if Miranda was going to insist on her taking it easy for a few days. “Bedrest” was the filthiest word in the English language, as far as she was concerned.

With a murmured goodnight, she went into her small bedroom. Behind her, she heard Miranda and Jack begin to bicker again, while Kasumi heaved a sigh. Then the door clicked shut, blocking out the noise. 

Shepard had been an only child. She wondered if this was what it was like to have sisters.

Carefully she undressed and climbed into bed, deciding to shower in the morning. Despite her exhaustion, sleep didn’t come. She tried to quell the now burning hope inside her. She didn’t doubt Kaidan’s abilities to get the Normandy home; she just doubted everything else in the galaxy.

She longed to see him, and everyone else. But she felt guilty for her hope.

Turning her face into her pillow, she thought about what Hackett had said about EDI. He’d only confirmed what she’d suspected, but now she couldn’t deny it. 

She dreaded seeing Joker. How could she face him? 

The memory of EDI’s last words rose in her mind.

_”But only now do I feel alive. That is your influence.”_

She stifled a sob.

_I’m sorry, EDI. I’m so, so sorry._

***

The next day, Jack had returned to her students and Kasumi had disappeared. While suffering through Miranda’s mobility tests, Shepard asked her to find Kaidan’s mother. She had no idea if the woman was still alive or if the Alliance had already contacted her to tell her about her son, but she wanted to be make sure. 

That night, she sent Kaidan a message. The status sat at “undelivered.”

Thirteen days later, she and Miranda arrived in Vancouver. Mia Alenko was waiting for them, lines of worry written into a face so similar to her son’s. She’d immediately pulled Shepard into a hug, and held her like her own mother had, before batarians had taken that away and she’d lost everything in her life for the first - but not the last - time. 

Miranda stood awkwardly by them for a moment, but when she went to move away, Mia released Shepard and then gave Miranda the same treatment. 

Shepard bit back a smile at Miranda’s stiff posture and awkward patting of Mia’s back.

***

They stayed in Vancouver in a small but comfortable apartment in a neighbourhood that was surprisingly...normal, to Shepard. When she’d questioned Miranda about her source of income, Shepard had only received a tight smile and “my father’s legacy” in reply. 

Shepard accepted that. But the guilt she felt at living so comfortably was added to the rest. 

Kaidan’s mother had a place out by English Bay, but Shepard hadn’t wanted to go there without Kaidan - something she hadn’t been able to verbalise, but that Mia had accepted without question. 

Miranda was had left to give the two some privacy, and was taking the opportunity to visit her sister who had also recently arrived in Vancouver. Oriana, she told them proudly, had been helping out with the rebuilding of the mass relays. One could believe that she had single handedly brought the Sol relay back online, if one was to listen to Miranda.

Mia Alenko called her Jane. It was strange, but something she knew she’d have to get used to. Miranda, Jack and Kasumi had been careful not to use her name in public, but still referred to her as Shepard in private. Wrex’s reply to her highly encrypted message had called her ‘Battlemaster’. 

She suspected that was Grunt’s idea.

Her mother-in-law was so like her son. She carried the same quiet strength.

They spoke of Kaidan often, and it was at once both a balm and an irritant to Shepard. She was glad she finally had the chance to talk about him with someone who knew him, and someone who missed him just as much as she did. 

But at the same time, it was an even starker reminder that he _wasn’t here_.

She didn’t regret her decision to come here, though. 

-

The days passed quietly. 

Shepard learned that Kaidan’s father had been killed not long after they’d left Earth. He’d been helping civilians escape the city. The anniversary of this death was approaching. His name was one of the thousands on Vancouver’s memorial wall.

Mia told of how she’d survived in a small Alliance camp in northern BC. They’d been endlessly cold and had to hunt for their own food, but the small group in the wilderness remained under the notice of the Reapers. It had taken a week for news of the Reaper defeat to reach them.

She’d heard the marines talking often, about whether they should go and join the fight, or stay and help the forty or so civilians that was made up mainly of children and the elderly. Mia knew if they’d decided to leave, they probably wouldn’t have survived.

Shepard wondered what she’d have done in that situation. It was difficult to not be on the front lines and helping in a more tangible way. But...

“They made the right decision.”

-

Shepard sat by the window often, completely lost in thought. Their view wasn’t anything impressive - just the opposite side of the street and apartments like the one they were staying in. 

She was so tightly wound, Mia thought. Still coiled like she was ready for battle at any minute. 

Gently, she squeezed a clenched fist. Shepard started slightly, before relaxing.

“It’s okay to let things out, you know.” 

A shake of her head was her only reply. She couldn’t do that. Not yet.

-

Miranda returned. Oriana and Kasumi visited. She spoke with Jack and Jacob, and briefly with Zaeed. Samara was unreachable, but the Justicar had left Earth before anyone had known Shepard was still alive. Shepard didn’t unduly worry about her - Samara was still alive, of that she had no doubt.

Despite everything, Shepard still felt detached. It was like she was watching a vid of someone else’s life.

Her nightmares left her twisted and gasping, but she refused Miranda’s offer to obtain sleeping pills. 

Mia returned to her home, making Shepard to promise to bring her son home. Shepard promised, but she couldn’t let herself think of him being _here_ , beside her. Not yet.

What she needed was to find a shooting range. Shooting things always made her feel better.

-

It was four weeks after their arrival in Vancouver when Hackett contacted her.

***

Four hundred and ten days after the end of the Reaper war, the Normandy came home. 

Or at least, it arrived at Mars, and the crew underwent a thorough debriefing and a medical check before being allowed on a transport to Earth. 

The message status finally changed to “delivered”. Within minutes she had a reply. It was a simple message, but full of promise.

_I’ll see you soon._

***

Three days later, Kaidan’s first stop on Earth was to an apartment in Vancouver. When she opened the door to allow him in, they both stilled, taking in the sight of each other. Both noticed the changes that had occurred in the year they’d been apart.

Then he stepped forward to cup her face in his hands, thumb running over the scar before his lips found hers. She arched into him, her own hands weaving into his hair, revelling in how his touch hadn’t changed.

Her crutch dropped to the ground, forgotten, as she pulled back and wordlessly led him through the apartment to her room. Their hands were intertwined and his grip was strong, like he was afraid she’d disappear again if he didn’t hold her tight enough.

She turned to face him. This time it was her fingers tracing his face, following lines and stresses that hadn’t been there the last time she’d seen him; when she’d ordered him and Garrus back onto the Normandy.

The memory rose unbidden.

_”Don’t leave me behind again._

The coil in her snapped, and she didn’t realise she was crying until his thumbs gently brushed them away.

“Hey, hey.” 

His voice and his touch brought her back to the present, and she allowed him to guide her to the bed. She lay back, head resting on the pillows and greedily took in the sight of him removing his clothes, until he was wearing nothing but her dog tags and his wedding ring.

There was a lot they had to talk about, she knew. But as he climbed onto the bed to join her and began inching up her top, she also knew that this was what they needed right now. They now had a _later_ and they could talk then. 

When they were both naked, he took the dog tags still hanging around her neck in his hands, and she froze. His fingers traced down the scorched metal where only part of his name remained. There was such tenderness in his eyes, but not enough to mask the sadness as he thought about what she went through, alone.

He’d also decided that talk could wait, so for now he took action to show her how much he loved her. He worshipped her with his lips and fingers, leaving no spot unkissed until his lips came to a stop above the pounding beat of her heart, while his fingers slipped from her breasts down to lazily rub her clit. She was gasping underneath him, hands gripping his back, needing him more than she ever had before. When he finally entered her, she moaned his name, louder than she intended in the quiet room. 

She’d forgotten what this felt like - how good he felt in and around her. Her nails dug into his skin and her head titled back as his lips found her throat. It didn’t take long for her to come apart around him, and for him to quickly follow. 

For a time there was only the sound of their harsh breathing. Until Kaidan rolled them over, settling Shepard on top of him and kissing her lightly as his fingers trailed over her skin. Darkness fell, and rain began to beat against the windows. Kaidan lazily reached over and shut the blinds, while Shepard lit the bedside lamp, casting a warm and cosy glow over them.

He took her left hand, gently touching the simple band she wore on her ring finger before bringing it to his lips. She watched him silently, feeling fully relaxed for the first time since...probably since before the SR1 had been destroyed, in that brief period between the battle of the Citadel and her death. Even the never ceasing aches and pains seemed to have eased.

When they finally talked, it was in quiet voices and with small touches and kisses. They talked of his mother, of the crew, of what had transpired since they’d last seen each other.

She felt a weight lift from her shoulders as she spoke, telling him everything she hadn’t told Hackett. He was here, solid in her arms. Tomorrow she’d see the rest of them. 

And then they could start thinking about their life beyond, without a Reaper threat or a galaxy depending on them. 

Commander Shepard might be dead, but Jane Alenko was looking forward to finally seeing English Bay.


End file.
